Having a mixed bag of identities
And trying to figure out if being a chameleon is the best way to leverage these many identities
I’ve thought a lot about my own identity these past few months. Identity is incredibly complex. It’s certainly not static, and it’s almost always multilayered.
Like many other children of immigrants, I exist at the intersection of cultures. I’m some parts Chinese, some parts Taiwanese, some parts Canadian, and other parts American-ish. That said, the cultural axis isn’t the only thing that defines my identity. Other dimensions that are top of mind for me are socioeconomic status and educational background.
Across all of these different dimensions, the ones that really come out at any given point in time depend on context: who I’m around, what’s being discussed, how I feel. On the whole, I find myself to be somewhat of a chameleon.
If I’m around older relatives, I’ll lean into being more Asian – pouring tea for them, making sure to help them up stairs, etc. If I’m around a lot of bougie people, I can play along and be bougie as well: I can discuss my favourite Michelin star restaurant and my research into hypothetical yacht vacations in Europe. And around others yet, I can jump in with my perspective on various political topics or share one of my many soapboxes on modern life and how things aren’t as great as they used to be. It all depends on what’s going to resonate the most with those around me.
Most of the time, doing this allows me to build deeper, stronger connections with those around me. We can find common ground, feel understood and seen by each other.
However, sometimes, I catch myself wondering if I’ve become “too Asian” or “too westernized” or “too bougie” or “too <insert adjective here>.” It’s often a feeling that hits after the fact, at bedtime as I’m reflecting on the day. I worry if I went too far to match others and didn’t really do my true self justice. Wrapped up in that discomfort is also oftentimes a guilt that I’ve strayed too far from who I am.
Maybe I should have really pushed the modesty / frugal agenda with my bougie friends to remind them that the world isn’t just made up of affluent people. Maybe I should have stood my ground on being a bit “too westernized” and insisted on independence and selfish decision-making in a specific conversation instead of leaning into the more Asian collectivist / deferent frame of thinking. Maybe I should have played devil’s advocate instead of just agreeing with the predominant opinion.
I wonder if there are times when I’ve overly adapted in order to succeed in a particular environment.
I wonder if I’m doing the others around me an injustice by tending to agree.
I wonder if I’ve somehow lost a bit of who I am in all of this trying to blend in.
While traveling in Taiwan over the past few weeks, I am constantly reminded of how much I stand out like a sore thumb amongst the locals. How I dress, walk, talk, and interact with the world is distinctly “American” in their eyes. Yet on the flip side, I wonder if I actually blend in when I’m at home in New York.
This all begs the question: Who am I really?
I’m a mixed bag of identities. I’m not quite the prototypical immigrant child since my parents and one of my grandparents immigrated around the same time. I have a lot of extended family that grew up in Canada and America, so many of my cousins are much more deeply American than I am. I attended high school and college on financial aid, but my earlier childhood was one of relative financial comfort.
I have no answers here this week, but instead food for thought. Is it good to be a chameleon? Should I learn to stand out like a sore thumb and own it? Is there a right time and place for each approach? (Probably.) If this resonates, I’d love to hear your thoughts and reflections in the comments!
Finally, as I reflected on all of this, I realized that identity isn’t just complex for the children of immigrants. I think it’s a topic that first and second generation immigrants tend to dominate, when the reality is that we’re all grappling with who we are as individuals, relative to where we came from.
Someone from a lower class family who has worked their own way up to being middle or even upper class is likely going through the same struggles. Someone who came from a military family who’s carving out their own path as well. Or someone who’s the first of their family to go to college. Or the first to be not religious. Or whatever else it may be. Even if someone looks a lot like their parents on paper, they’re surely also going through a version of this battle on what their identity really is.
Tl;dr
Upon reflecting on my mixed bag of identities, I realized that I tend to be a chameleon and emphasize the parts of my identity that resonate the most in any given situation. I’ve started to wonder if that’s the best approach – while effective at helping me make connections with others, does it dilute my sense of who I am and do an injustice to others, who should be exposed to differing perspectives? Finally, I believe that the dialogue around identity tends to be overly dominated by immigrants’ children – when really, it seems like everyone struggles with their identity in the same fundamental way.
Primarily, the most useful frames for me to consider multiple identities is either the utility of a toolbox, or the luxury of multiple homes. Just yesterday, someone expressed surprise at how I responded to their different interests and identities with intimate detail -- I have a large "toolbox" from which I could pull specific "tools" (knowledge to convey shared interest or experience). Sometimes I feel a longing for aspects of an identity, like the blurring of traditional binaries/categories in my queer self, or a stronger sense of family ties I associate with my Chinese roots. They each feel like a home. Just like physical homes, no one place serves every need across time -- sometimes I want to be in Brooklyn with access to lots of culture, while other times, I want to be somewhere Upstate with nature. Mostly, this "chameleon" ability feels like a gift, evidenced by the two mental frames that are both positive. The flip side (since everything has trade offs) is a certain loneliness in feeling like I'm the only one who can tie these disparate pieces together... that it's hard for anyone else to know either the specific identities, or what it's like to hold them all at once.