On fine lines, living meaningfully, and passion
A few themes that have been top of mind lately
There’s a fine line between being hard on yourself and holding your own values.
I was chatting with a friend who’s been going through a breakup recently. She described this tension in wanting to reach out to her ex (for answers/“clarity”) but at the same time, feeling upset with herself for wanting to reach out. She came at this from a place of confusion – was she being too hard on herself? Why was it so contradictory?
As we talked about it more, I realized that this tension highlights how she’s trapped between an instinctive human reaction to want answers/“clarity” in the aftermath of a breakup and her core values such as self-respect.
Extrapolating beyond this example, this sort of frustration or tension can often reveal moments where we’re making a choice of whether to stick to our core values. It is true that often, insecure overachievers tend to be hard on themselves for no good reason other than the fairly arbitrary pursuit of perfection or achievement. However, that’s not always going to be the case. Next time you feel you’re being hard on yourself, take a step back to reflect on whether it’s a case of the arbitrary pursuit of perfection/achievement or if it’s that you’re juggling some instinctive reaction that exists in contradiction to your own values. It might be okay to sit with that discomfort and take pride in knowing that you’re choosing to stick to your values.
Am I making the most of my life?
Every night, I journal. I write down the positives from my day alongside the things that didn’t go so well. The list of positives ranges broadly from “Dinner was yummy” to “I got to spend two hours on the phone with a close friend” to “Work was not chaotic” to “We saw an amazing show tonight.” Sometimes, things like “I got all my chores done” can also make the list. The opposite list contains a whole range of things as well, from “Weather was crummy” to “Catchup with so-and-so didn’t feel very meaningful” to “Spent way too much time on meal prep.”
I’ve been doing this specific journal format for the past 2.5 years. I used to journal in the style of a recap, where I’d list out things I did that day. After a while, I realized that other than keeping a maniacally detailed log of what I did every day (which can be cool to look back on), I wasn’t really accomplishing much in terms of reflection. I switched to this new format in order to get a grasp of whether each day was fulfilling for me (generally proxied by the length of the positives list) and also to remind myself how much I have to be grateful for, and how I shouldn’t take simple things for granted. Most days, my positive list is longer than my negative one and it gives me comfort that I’m doing something right with my life.
I’ve thought a lot about this lately, as I’ve felt the constant nagging feeling of “Am I making the most of my hours here on earth?” I realized that one of the biggest challenges I’m feeling right now is that I’ve focused the past quarter and this one on one main goal, where it’s hard to measure my progress in a linear way. While I am a strong believer in having themes or areas of focus for each chapter of life (be it quarters, months, years, or whatever other unit), I’m realizing now that perhaps in the chapters where linear progress cannot be expected, I may need smaller areas of focus.
To frame this in the lens described above:
I wondered if I was being too hard on myself about “not making the most of my life” due to the arbitrary pursuit of perfection or achievement, or was this pointing to a deeper violation of a core value of mine? As I thought about it more, I realized that I have plenty of “achievements” to point to – I go to work, I do my job, I feed myself well, I take care of my body, I read, I see friends. I volunteer and I maintain a newsletter. I don’t rationally believe that I need to do more to prove that I have achieved some sort of success as an adult. Instead, what might be missing is the feeling of passion. It’s possible that deep down, I believe that a fulfilling life involves having things about which I am passionate.
On passion
In case you missed it, I recently referenced an awesome post about finding out what your passions are.
I have always believed that I’m not someone with strongly held passions and that I’m more of an equal opportunity hobbyist than anything else. However, since I was in middle school, I’ve always known that I can learn quite a bit about myself by observing the people who catch my awe.
Lately, I’ve been particularly amazed and impressed by people who have really clear passions. They are the ones who have found something that is infinitely rewarding and fulfilling in life and are willing to pursue it at all costs – or at least at substantial cost. As I broke down my own reactions, I started to wonder whether I want to be one of those people, or if I simply want to be surrounded by many people like that. I haven’t quite gotten to the bottom of it yet.
Curious for your reactions and takes on this, and if anyone else has gone through similar thought processes and journeys.