No more internal agonizing
And just doing it, because what's the worst that could happen
Five years ago, if you’d asked me to describe my ideal week, I would have answered with themes focused on routine, predictability, and repetition.
Over the past few years, as I’ve gone through different chapters of life, especially with my gap year, I’ve broken out of this mindset. I gradually developed an appreciation for—and even a sense of entitlement towards—unpredictability and spontaneity. Without certain constraints on my life (e.g. a full time job)…
I was able to reframe unpredictability and spontaneity from something stressful into a source of joy, wonder, and amazement at life.
Having a baby has put into question whether I love unpredictability and spontaneity. On the one hand, I’ve found the routine and loop of living in three hour blocks somewhat boring, missing the flexible, open ended days of two-adult-household-life. At the same time, more than ever before, I’ve come to realize that routine with the baby tends to beget predictability. If we do the same four steps, then usually the baby responds predictably (at least this is the case more often than not). If we don’t do the same four steps, then the baby might get super upset and things could go super awry.
As such, on days when we’ve deviated from routine, I’ve found myself holding my breath, wondering if doing so will poke the sleeping dragon baby. I’m a big fan of my own sleep, which is deeply related to keeping my baby content—thus, my boredom / desire for change and spontaneity has really come to a head with my other priorities.
For a while, this stalemate made me reluctant to take agency about my boredom. I pondered what I could do without ruining the day’s routine, but I kept feeling trapped and as if I was squandering my days. After a few days, the desire to go do more really took over. I rationalized to myself that I’d never tested the counterfactual—if we did break the routine, would the baby sleep worse? Would the baby cry more / be less content / etc.?
As I agonized in decision paralysis (“I want to go to a sit down lunch at this restaurant,” “I want to go to the museum,” “We should go away for a night” all followed by, “But what if this makes the baby really difficult?”), I got fed up with my own excruciating. I asked myself, “What’s the worst thing that happens?” My brainstorm of answers included: The baby cries a lot in public, I have to breastfeed him in public, I get rude stares, maybe field a rude comment, we miss a night of sleep because the baby doesn’t sleep well, etc. (I’ve omitted the answers that emerge as one spirals such as “The baby never takes a nap ever again.”) Within reason, the answers did not comprise horrible and irreversible things happening to any of us.
And so I saw the writing on the wall:
Just give it a try. The scary thing may not even be as scary as I’ve made it out to be.
And maybe I’ll even disprove the hypothetical counterfactual (what a mouthful).
So bit by bit, I’ve tried pushing the boundaries. I do make a plan for the worst case scenario and mitigate against certain risks, but I strive to then forget about the rest of my worries. Most of the time, things have worked out just fine. Nothing has scarred me in a way that gives me fodder to say, “That one time we tried something new, it backfired.” More often than not, we (collectively) are resilient and able to figure it out, I have some fun, and I get some enjoyment out of the experience. Most importantly, I also gain confidence that I can do more and I feel increasingly willing to take on new adventures.
So, while this isn’t a work-related anecdote, this is an important lesson to highlight as we can take it into all domains of life. All too often, we spend time stuck in our heads about not doing something new that feels slightly risky, when in fact it’s really not that bad at all.
Next time you catch yourself trapped in that line of thinking: