I believe I am ludicrously good at asking for help compared to my average peer or friend. Mostly, I chalk it up to the fact that I’m kind of lazy, but I’d also like to think that I’m good at asking for help because I believe in efficiency above all else. If there is something that I need to do, and I can think of someone who is available and able to get the task done faster than I can, I’m always inclined to ask them.
It feels wrong for me to spend more time on something that I’m obviously worse at.
To be clear, I don’t do this if it’s something that’s definitively my responsibility (and cannot or should not be done by someone else) or if it’s something that’s unenjoyable. Examples of this include calling my bank, changing baby’s diapers, and doing taxes. (Husbands don’t count in the exclusion clause here.) In most other scenarios, if there’s someone who comes to mind, my inclination is to at least ask.
Here’s how it works in my mind:
My friends are multi-talented and many have niche interests that they’re passionate about. Usually I only make the ask if I think they’ll derive some enjoyment or other value out of helping me.
I generally keep a roster in my mind of who’s good at what. It helps me match people and talents to tasks quickly.
I believe a lot in reciprocity: I wouldn’t ask anything of someone that I’m not willing to reciprocate at least in equal or greater magnitude. I do truly want to help my friends when they have niche problems that match what I can uniquely offer.
I’m willing to take the gamble that my friends find me annoying; I hope that more often than not I am deemed “fine” or “not that annoying” or “even kind of nice to keep around.”
Principle 3 often breaks down because I feel like I ask for help all the time and conversely, field very few requests.
It genuinely annoys me (and borderline makes me mad) when I find out that a friend did XYZ on their own, when I could have helped and saved them $x or y minutes.
Over time, I’ve made it a personal mission to be extra clear with my friends on what domains or sorts of things I’m willing to help with, in order to hopefully lower the barrier to entry to asking me. However, I would say this has been met with limited success.
If you’re reading this and you’re someone I’ve offered help to before, please ask me for more help.
Please! We have to realize the efficiencies of knowing each other together.
Like any good problem solver, I have a few hypotheses for why most people don’t ask for help out. Here they are, along with my counterarguments:
Not wanting to bother someone → I think you can make an ask that leaves room for someone to decline without hurting a friendship or relationship. I have had people decline before, and I respect them even more after that! Most of the time when I’m asked for help, I’m flattered and excited. I’d wager that’s probably the case for most of us…
Wanting to figure it out themselves → Let’s learn together! I don’t have to do it all for you. I can teach you my ways and then you can upskill yourself. But I’d rather be given a chance to teach you than hear you asked Claude or something 😠
Not knowing who can help them → Ask your friends about their interests, hobbies, and what they’re uniquely good at! Keep track of this!