How to build a sense of community for others
How to build a sense of community for others
Reflections from various settings where I’ve brought together (or been brought together with) strangers
I’m guessing that most of us have had the experience of standing on the sidelines of a group, feeling a little awkward and unsure of where we fit in. It’s a feeling I’m all too familiar with, and it stands in stark contrast to the much rarer experience of meeting a new group of people and almost immediately, seamlessly feeling a sense of community.
Recently, I’ve been fortunate to find myself in a number of situations where I’ve had this latter experience. As someone who tends to get nervous in new settings and around new people, I’ve never taken this sense of community for granted. In fact, I’ve spent a lot of time breaking down what it is that makes these situations so different and enjoyable.
Since the end of last year, one of my projects has been starting an “unbook” club, bringing together a group of my friends on a monthly basis for meaningful discussions. (We’re an “unbook” club because we follow the structure of a book club but without any assigned readings.) I’ve been able to put many of my theories on how to build community to the test with my unbook club. Recently, I also witnessed many of these same “best practices” at play as an attendee at a bachelorette weekend.
In both instances, there were a few must-haves from the start:
Trust through a mutual connection. In both situations, everyone was a friend of a friend. With the unbook club, everyone invited to join was a good friend of mine. In the case of the bachelorette weekend, we were all good friends with the bride-to-be.
Engagement and buy-in. Everyone in the group was committed to being a part of it. In the case of the bachelorette weekend, everyone who attended had set aside a weekend and budget. These barriers to entry ensured that everyone who came was bought into the experience. With my unbook club, I explicitly asked each friend who joined to commit to prioritizing our monthly meeting as well as an additional monthly coffee rotation. I was very clear about attendance being a crucial part of the group succeeding and everyone agreed to that before we kicked off.
No outliers in prior relationships. In each of these groups, no one was disproportionately close with anyone else other than the mutual connection. For unbook club, I picked a group of friends who met two criteria: I had a similar level of closeness with each of them in a 1:1 setting and none of them knew each other previously. At the bachelorette party, most of the attendees knew 1-2 of the others pretty well, creating balance in the group dynamics (and avoiding one dominant cluster of familiar friends that could make the rest of the group feel left out).
All of this said, putting together the right group was only the first step.
Before everyone actually met up, there were two preparation tasks:
The prewire on everyone else. Before the bachelorette weekend, the bride shared a list of all the different commonalities shared by the group. Examples included “people who work in similar industries,” “people who grew up in nearby areas,” and “people who have the same interests/hobbies.” It was fun to see it all laid out and made it a lot less awkward when we all met each other in person. We already knew some common ground that was shared and could ask each others questions and dive into topics deeper than the more biographical, topical conversations that are often so unfulfilling in group settings.
For unbook club, I chatted 1:1 with each person before we all met for kickoff and shared a lot of context about the rest of the group. This meant that each person knew a few things about the other members of the group in advance.
Setting an agenda of sorts. Once the group came together, there was a bit of guidance for discussion topics. At the first group meal over the bachelorette weekend, we had a prepared list of fun prompting questions. When the conversation came to a lull, we turned to the bowl of questions for inspiration. It got us past random chitchat into more meaningful and entertaining conversation very quickly, and set the norm that anyone could suggest a topic of discussion for the group at any point.
For unbook club, I gathered a list of discussion topics from the group in advance. I sent this list out before we met the first time, asking everyone to take some time to reflect on their responses. When we all met for the first time, given that everyone already had some context on each other, we were able to dive deep into our chosen topics within minutes.
After that first encounter, there were two last steps:
Breaking out of the full group. After that first meeting, it mattered a lot that we weren’t just engaging as a full group the time. In the unbook club, I implemented a monthly rotation where the group is broken into random pairs that meet up outside of the full group meeting. This is an ongoing chance to really build 1:1 relationships and pursue topics that are of interest to some but not others. At the bachelorette weekend, there were pockets of downtime where we got to engage with one or two others instead of with the full group all at once. In all cases, these opportunities are particularly valuable in giving less outspoken people more of a chance to be heard.
Distributing ownership. We rotate hosting duties, meaning that each month a different person is in charge of setting the agenda and coordinating the logistics of when and where we meet. It has made the group feel less like it revolves around one organizer and like it truly belongs to all of us.
Tl;dr & closing thoughts
It isn’t always easy to bring together a group of people who don’t know each other and quickly create a sense of community. Over time, I’ve picked up on a few patterns and tips for making it easier to build a new community. They include:
Thoughtfully composing the group that you’re bringing together
Getting engagement from everyone who’s a part of the group
Sharing context with everyone in advance on each other
Setting an agenda (can be casual)
Providing time for 1:1 interactions, and
Distributing ownership of the group
Readers – I’d love to hear about what has worked for you when it comes to bringing together groups of strangers and creating a sense of community. Jump in with thoughts in the comments!